Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.

   Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

   Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

   Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.

   the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.

   They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!

   Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

   I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.