Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"

   I saw a totally hot MILF spank her child today at McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground....!!!

   Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...

   Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   come on folks.... bring on the funnies