Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza

   I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.

   And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!

   i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

   Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

   Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

   Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin

   Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words