Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do I remember about the midget that attacked me. Very little.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts

   Daylight savings is great because we gain an hour of trying to figure out what time it is.

   Guys the secret to a happy marriage...... "Honey, you're absolutely right."

   I've noticed that if you remove the vowels from the word "FEMALE" it spells FML.

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

   It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .

   “It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.

   You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg.

   I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it.

   The point in making a point is to actually make a point,

   Deja poo. The feeling that you've been through this crap before

   What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered...

   The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."

   You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.

   Today reminds me of that old Schoolhouse Rock episode, "How a Bill Becomes an Embarrassing Failure By Paul Ryan."