Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops we have the technology

   My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

   IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy

   I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?

   Time to take off you Hoser. God speed Bob and Doug Mckenzie

   It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges

   I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

   Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.

   "You're never too old to learn something stupid."

   What do I remember about the midget that attacked me. Very little.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts