Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty damn sure that Starbucks has no idea we're in a recession.

   out of order until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience.

   trying to develop a life off of facebook.....as you can see, its not working.....

   can't wait to see who's all going to be single on my facebook after the 4th of July!"

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   I don't get the toilet seat issue that women have. I won't put my naked *ss on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some women are not so discriminating...

   I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F...

   I say "DUDE" right before I say something moderately important.

   Friends are like shoes. We look for good-looking ones, but at the end, we choose the ones we feel comfortable with.

   I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.

   Easter chocolate tastes so much better than normal chocolate...

   Just remember even though it is Earth Day, you should not tie yourself to any trees a bear might come by and eat you, one of the many things I have learned from 1,000 Ways to Die

   Dear Google, You bring up millions of results, if I don't see what I want on the first page, I asume it's not there Sincerely EVERYONE.

   People who persevere are annoying to the rest of us who'd rather quit and go drink.

   Sometimes standing for what you believe in means that you have to sacrifice temporarily for the greater good. It's amazing how quickly peoples "values" change when their personal comfort level is threatened

   Once you get to be older, "friends with benefits" just means your partner has a solid 401k and a kick a$$ dental plan.

   Married life has many Ups and Downs... I just wish most of them were between the sheets!

   Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. George Carlin

   I think my constipation is Psychological. I cant ever take a dump until I hear my wife say "I'm about to take a shower does anyone need to use the Bathroom?"