Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you close your eyes and hold on in shear terror and other times you just have to throw your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.

   X When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement

   ghetto: when your GPS says roll up ur windows, lock the doors and DRIVE.

   ..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C...

   A trip to Walmart at 3am has now convinced that the next zombie outbreak will happen. I have seen carriers of the virus but they look to have some immunity. They look and smell like the living dead but they are still very much alive.

   Ahh Sams Club.. Ever notice the people who frequent that place? It's kind of like the bar scene from StarWars

   Last week a stranger told me that "the pen is mightier than the sword," so I challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right: that permanent ink is tough to get off.

   Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..

   Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had diarrhea!

   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list

   thinks that the term “Beauty mark” is just a euphemism for freaky, hairy mole!

   I saw all the Tiger Woods action figures are on clearance; I think they could sell more if it came with a White Trash Barbie

   All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening

   Hint: if someone asks you if you "have a sec", answer "I have lots of secs", and they will forget their original question.

   I'm not going bald, i'm just getting more head.

   I would like to high-five the first person who convinced their mom that peanut butter and jelly is not a dessert food, but a delicious and nutritious meal.

   "This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird stuff on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a brain.

   I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.