Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just excited I can start wearing heels again. - Katie Holmes

   Marriage is for men who miss staying with their parents.

   There are so many things in life I still need to lick.

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas

   I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason..

   If facebook gets shutdown will Tom send me my password from Myspace back?

   What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.

   Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.

   It's funny how once they see that you're doing better without them, some people decide that they want you back.

   Dude, you're driving a Jeep, surely you can take a speed bump faster than 4mph...

   "If alcohol is poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things in me I need to kill..."

   it considered drinking alone if you're on Facebook?

   just had a 4 course breakfast.....Three Bloody Mary's and an Egg McMuffin!

   What do you call 3 old ladies at a baseball game with a bottle of whisky? Bottom of the 5th and the bags are loaded!

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   woke up with the song Wonderwall by Oasis in my head, along with the word "portmanteau" for some reason... some days I feel like if Freud were still alive he'd look at me, shrug, and say, "Fuck, I don't know man. You're on your own with that one."

   Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!

   found a dead lizard on the back porch...apparently, a reptile dysfunction.