Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wish every project I start was as easily finished as in the how to videos.

   The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...

   Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time. Can someone please explain why we let THAT happen?

   Some people are as useless as an audiobook on sign language

   On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

   I'm no longer afraid to say that I loved Milli Vanilli's songs!.....or whoever it was that perform their songs.

   Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.

   Space aliens are taking our jobs. This is why we need to ransack Area 51.

   I opened the face app to make myself look old and it just booted up my GPS app and gave me directions to a mirror

   "Area 15? I'm in!!" R Kelly, probably.

   Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again.

   “Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

   Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

   Well that will be the last gender reveal party I'm ever invited to. Guess I shouldn't have stood up and said, "I'll go first!"

   I dont know what it is about sex that has me panting afterwards. Maybe its the physical exertion, complex techniques, age... or could just be inflating the darn blow up doll every single time!

   Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities

   Dark chocolate tastes like chocolate that started doing CrossFit.

   So what happened to Oscar the Grouch if you overslept on trash day?

   Not now, I'm binge watching the weather channel.