Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!

   The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

   I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast

   Ted Cruz beats Jim Kimmel (11-9) in Blobfish basketball classic game

   Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

   Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.

   Anyone at the gym with no headphones on is training to avenge someone’s death

   When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.

   In my 20s: My knees hurt from being on my knees 😏 In my 30s: My knees hurt from being alive

   Amendment to the 2nd. The right of the people to keep and bear plastic straws shall not be infringed. You can’t shoot paper through paper.