Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there

   My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.

   Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

   When did no dignity and no respect towards other people considered acceptable to the public?

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

   Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   on a dating site and asked if could add the girl to facebook... her response "dont think we are quite there yet" its official facebook is the new 1st base!

   Going to Mickey D's in the morning. I am pleased to know that my food is already cooked, and will sit under heat lamps until I get there. Yum.....

   Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.

   aside from your face, what is your problem? :D

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.