Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

   Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep...

   It's a given that whatever hits the fan is never distributed evenly.

   finds himself dating high maintenance women. I'm not sure why - I think because I hate money. Its as though I check out my checking account, and I say: Oh, that's just too much. I need to make an investment that's going nowhere, fast!

   Going to Mickey D's in the morning. I am pleased to know that my food is already cooked, and will sit under heat lamps until I get there. Yum.....

   Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.

   aside from your face, what is your problem? :D

   on a dating site and asked if could add the girl to facebook... her response "dont think we are quite there yet" its official facebook is the new 1st base!

   So Noah from the Bulls looks grungy, apperently basketball is so easy a caveman can do it.

   waiting for you to say something intelligent .

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.