Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Oh wow, someone sent me a fruitcake. I'm going to eat it right now!" said no one ever.

   I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.

   How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive

   I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't!

   To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery. ‬

   Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets math

   Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.

   If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.

   F-book has gone from a social media platform, to an entity bent on 'protecting' people from the truth.

   I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

   got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

   When I order something online I always put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch." in the "Delivery Notes" box.

   Dr: You'll be at peace soon. Me: Am I dying? Dr: No, your wife is...

   I put on my pants the same as everyone else. Reluctantly.

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the children's ball pit at Macdonald's. Not funny, grow up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!