Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't think of one nice thing to say about you....a million maybe, but not just one.

   I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.

   Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.

   I'm hungry .......I really need to hire a wife.

   My daily workout?........ running late for work

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.

   I think we all need to get on the same page. I'm on page 69.

   I'm not sure I want Friends with Benefits. Can I just have the Benefits? We'll figure out the Friend thing later.

   Be yourself. Who else is better qualified.

   Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

   My 20 year high school reunion is in a few months. I need help with making up some amazing crap that I've done.

   looking for some good end-of-the-world bargains today and tomorrow

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute

   Had breakfast at Waffle House, as I was leaving the waitress said "Have a waffly day". Now I'm thinking great, a whole day of indecision.

   I speak 3 languages ENGLISH, SARCASM, & SEXUAL INNUENDOS

   Ignorance is bliss, would explain why I'm so miserable.

   Ever since watching Extreme Couponing I hate grocery shopping even more!!!!