Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   99% of girls are hot. The other 1% go to my school.

   Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and they're usually wrong.

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   I reckon that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)

   I'll be a team player when I get paid like a damn pro athlete.

   The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off!!!

   I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.

   If the catholic church looks down on sex before marriage does that mean all of those priests committed two sins?

   The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.

   Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.

   I slid a piece of toilet paper into the next stall with "I can feel your heartbeat" written on it. You could hear a pin drop in here.

   If you don't stop wearing that much eyeliner someone is going to call animal control and report you as slutty raccoon on the loose.

   Seriously? WTF is it with all the unecessary phone names? ~~> Get the new 4G LTE touch bionic droid x2 razor Evo 3D 8950 by HTC.

   Leaf blowing while wearing leaf-pattern camouflage. Makes them think I'm one of them, so they won't get suspicious!

   ‎30 Days more......to plan another New Year's resolutions or a new start on old habits!!

   Library of Congress to receive entire twitter archive. Now your great great grandchildren can read about how much you pooped.

   In my own little world, I'm kind of a BIG deal!!

   Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

   i'd give you everything if I knew you wouldn't take it.