Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Surgery went well... thanks everyone for the cards and flowers, but get real people... send food!

   doesn't think them as underwear, he sees them more as a manhole cover.

   just read an ad in the paper about " free to good home, Hampster, slightly used." whats that all about?

   My internet is so slow, it would be faster to just drive to Google's headquarters and ask them this sh!t in person.

   You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

   Dear Facebook, You appear to be on girls' minds at least 10 times a day. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated

   Double stuffed- chocolate cream filled oreos? I think someone at Nabisco has been reading my diary!!

   I'm waiting for my marriage license to expire because I'm not going to renew

   "I don't see color." - A person who shouldn't eat snow

   The fact that Gordon Ramsay hasn't been gutted yet is all the proof I need to know that his show is staged.

   You're never too old to learn stupid siht...

   There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   So Scotland had a little case of premature emancipation. It's ok. It happens. Doesn't make you any less of a country

   Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

   A teenager in Arkansas was arrested after he was caught driving without a license on his way to the DMV to take a driving test, tried to flee, and crashed into a police car. On the plus side, it sounds like he was probably going to fail anyway.

   Everyone is going to places like Italy, Las Vegas, Cancun and to Europe for vacation and I am just here like, Hey there, bed. You look really nice tonight.

   I got one of those 13.1 bumper stickers cuz that's how many wings I can eat in five minutes.

   A good wife always forgive's her husband when she's wrong..

   Finding Bigfoot has been on the air for 5 years. It should be called Not Finding Bigfoot.