Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TSA: Touching, Squeezing, Arresting...

   Unbeknownst to most theologians, there were actually four wise men. But he was turned away for bringing a fruit cake..

   ..bets living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   The police NEVER think it's as funny as I do!.(;

   Email from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: No subject

   Unlike my girlfriend Facebook goes down.

   Unless you want to f*ck me, why do you care what I look like?

   Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "Use By" date?

   the perfect body.......would someone please help me get it out of my trunk though, it's really starting to smell.

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   Sometimes girls try too hard for boys that dont even care....its kinda sad...girls nowadays are losing their self-respect...

   If you're horny and you know it, use your hands.

   How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I'll let you know if we can be friends.

   Ladies: You texted him but he hasn't texted back? Don't be too quick to assume he is ignoring you, instead assume he was obviously so excited to get your text message that he fainted.

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   Groupon's slogan should be: "Nothing you want but at least your inbox isn't empty!"

   It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..