Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

   Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

   The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

   It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

   We’re finally out of lockdown!!! Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary sh*t.

   Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

   You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

   Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

   What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

   Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]

   I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses

   Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper... we found Himalayan on the road!

   Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

   Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.

   I'm going to start an online store where people can buy bait for when they go fishing for compliments on Facebook.

   I'll acknowledge Canada Day whey they finally acknowledge that's not bacon.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   My desire to be well-informed during this presidential election is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.