Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

   My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.

   The best thing about being productive is going to bed knowing you did something. Or I think that's how productive people feel. I don't know.

   someone said "Kim Kardashian has given birth to a compass"

   Statistics never show how many accidents each year are the direct result of a guy checking out some chick's ass.

   great day!!! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!!!

   The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

   Had to sneeze but it never came out and now I'm afraid it's traveling around my body trying to find another exit.

   Just had a moment with a cute girl, we locked eyes and sparks flew. Then she rolled off the hood of my car.

   well..... so much for my 'not killing time with Facebook' resolution.

   Just listened to an Adele song and now I'm eating ice cream and surrounded by 9 cats.

   I am now officially F.U.I. = facebooking under the influence ;)

   Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don't even do anything about it.

   gun fired at the BET awards...dont they listen to rap music & realize the rappers have guns....try a metal detector at next year's award show

   I'm kinda tired of the same 7 jokes and all their 12,000 variations on my timeline.

   All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time!

   Well I was wrong about what I thought a Herpetologist is.

   My love life is so boring that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are going to make a movie about it.

   If you're happy and you know it go away.

   I'm hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.