Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says "I'm a heartless,souless,low life,bottom feeding,inbred,motherf*cking scuz bag" like holding up a protest sign at a funeral.

   i woke up at 8:07 this morning, just so I can say that I consciously experienced the 7th minute of the 8th hour, on the 9th of the 10th, in the '11th year.

   If you show up at my house without calling first, you'd better be wearing a uniform and delivering the mail.

   Wishes life was like a Nintendo game, if you had a problem you just take it out and blow on it. And everything would be fine

   seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

   I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   As the 13th miner was about to surface, the sky news presenter described Carlos Barrios as being single, is also a taxi driver and likes horse racing. It's a f-king rescue operation not blind date!

   jaegermeister: its like running down the stairs on Xmas morning and then realizing your Jewish.

   Drama Queens/Kings, Hypocrites, two-faced, exaggerators and fake people can all be found on Facebook!!!

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then they proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   I swear, when one radio station is playing commercials, EVERY radio station is playing commercials.

   looking forward to the Lunar Eclipse tonight. I considered having a viewing party and inviting all the witches I know. But then I realized having all my ex's in the same location is probably not a good idea.

   just got in an argument with my Mom regarding investment decisions...turns out even if you hold multiple degrees in finance ur still a kindergarten goin kid in ur Moms eyes...sigh..:(

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.

   Did a law pass that I don't know about which requires all minivans to go 15mph under the posted speed limit on AM freeways?

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   Women ask for advice on what to wear and then end up wearing the exact opposite.. that's why I think Snow Pants and Leather Jackets are sexy as hell on them."

   Strippers are like trees. Instead of absorbing Carbon Dioxide and emitting Oxygen, they absorb Desperation and emit Hope.