Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..

   “Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.

   No officer I wasn't texting, that's dangerous. I was checking my Facebook.

   I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

   Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.

   It would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

   When you were little it was "Stop, look, and listen before you cross the street." As you get older it's more like "I'm crossing the street now. If you hit me I will sue you."

   Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

   Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.

   Phoned up my neighbour this morning to tell him that his Pekingese made a big mess in my front yard. Also, that he owes me a new lawn mower blade.

   It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.

   How many Oreos is too many?,,,,,,, Is it 25?,,,,,,,,,,, I feel like it should be more than 25

   If I die at walmart, PLEASE, drag my body to Cabella's

   Not sure which is worse: A dry hand job or turkey bacon...

   Won a time machine on eBay. Disappointed when I received a damn clock.

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right

   Friends don't let friends get tagged in pictures which can cause breakups.

   When I'm using Facebook mobile I always tag myself in my bed with 2 randcom chicks on my friends list.

   I am not looking for a Princess, I am just waiting for a woman who thinks I am a prince.