Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   I'm just playing devils avocado here

   When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

   "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.

   "I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream

   The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.

   Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.

   *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

   Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

   : I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

   I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

   Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.

   You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.

   Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!

   me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p