Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

   Deep thoughts by Johnny Quarantine. Minnesota votes to disband police department and go with a community-based public safety program. I’m assuming this community-based public safety program will be comprised of police officers who recently lost their jo

   Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet? Wife: I’m definitely bothered

   So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it. Still not sure why you would need this though.

   Municipal Government: Try to stay home Provincial Government: Try to stay home Federal Government: Try to stay home My boss: See you tomorrow

   Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead? Me: No it was just wings.

   Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup

   If people would just give ugly people a chance and date them too, catfishing wouldn't be a thing.

   Word of the Day: Hippocampus - A college or university where a significant number of students are overweight.

   I believe in Santa! but I'm not so sure if he believes in me?

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

   I don’t even care who wins this Maroon 5 concert

   Ladies in Atlanta this weekend, every big dude is not an NFL player, don't get knocked up by the cook from Waffle House

   I want to go big AND go home.

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   filled the lip gloss with crazy glue, it is gonna be a quiet and peaceful week for sure.

   Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...

   Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, "Who's Siri?"

   Hey, little regular fry in with my curly fries. Just be yourself, buddy.

   Findings from meetings and conferences: "The only thing that often comes out of a meeting is the people who went in."