Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the bright side, All the rioters are wearing mask.

   My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

   Deep thoughts by Johnny Quarantine. Minnesota votes to disband police department and go with a community-based public safety program. I’m assuming this community-based public safety program will be comprised of police officers who recently lost their jo

   Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet? Wife: I’m definitely bothered

   So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it. Still not sure why you would need this though.

   Municipal Government: Try to stay home Provincial Government: Try to stay home Federal Government: Try to stay home My boss: See you tomorrow

   Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead? Me: No it was just wings.

   Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup

   Only 364 more days until Halloween!! I know, I know. I can't wait either.

   Bad Politicians are elected by Good People who DON'T VOTE!

   I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?

   My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

   People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.

   Just a deplorable trying to not get suicided by the clinton crime regime.

   people can cry and cry all they want about who won and who didn't but when you have a 50% voter turnout you have only yourself to blame.

   Being a Man is great until you hear a noise late at night and your wife makes you realize that you are the one who is supposed to go investigate

   If you have enough cats you don't even need a blanket.

   Came Across a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbor's house