Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?” - A Novel About Living with Small Children

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   My wife asked me if I wanted to see Hootie And The Blowfish. I told her I only wanna be with you.

   My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple's Facebook account.

   If the coronavirus came from eating raw bats, then Ozzy Osbourne is patient zero.

   I appreciate Facebook music invite but I don't think I'm going to be able to make it out tomorrow night to hear your band playing 1000 miles away.

   billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus

   My friends describe me as "I'm sorry, he's not usually like this."

   When you wake up without a tag on your toe, consider it a great way to start the day!

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up...

   Yesterday I watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside our neighborhood bar. So I invited him in and bought him a beer..I thought I would humor the old man and ask him how many fish had he caught today. The old man replied, "you're the eighth."

   Over 50 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   “I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.” - inventor of velcro

   Before Coronavirus, I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

   Does anyone know if we should take showers or just keep washing our hands?

   Just thought I'd point out that if you're going around to different friends houses to make "Social Distancing" videos with you're missing the point.

   At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

   Married people be like: [Quarantine, day 10] It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

   Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

   I'm pretending. That way, when it comes time to tend, I'll be ready.