Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

   My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!

   The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.

   Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.