Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.

   Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

   If you're ever dreaming about buying an old air-cooled Volkswagen that's super dependable you can drive anywhere without a care in the world and never have to work on what you need to look for is a Toyota.

   I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed.

   : I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

   Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.

   The doctors office plays HGTV so I can feel bad about my body and my house

   Tip:No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

   My worst fear of getting old is chewing for no reason.😖

   Pro-Tip: If you volunteer to sit at the kids' table this Thanksgiving, you can hide your green bean casserole under the plate of the toddler next you.

   Black Friday. Or as it should be known: "Thanksgiving Is Over, We Now Return You To Your Self-Centered Lives Already In Progress."

   She passed on the scalloped potatoes because "I don't really like seafood." It was at that moment where I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me.

   The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room

   Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

   Have you read the Dr. Seuss book about an elephant at a rock concert? Its called "Horton Hears The Who."

   : Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

   I'm just saying if she's into metric then I'd love to meter

   It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

   You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

   Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection