Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."

   The real Troll Hunter is a stupid, little shy guy without any self-confidence who has a big flap on the internet and at home he is sitting while peeing… because his mom told himso

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.

   As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.

   We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.

   I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . .

   I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   If you think this message is a display of stupidity, just wait until you read the one below this...

   Christopher Columbus was the first socialist. "He did not know where he was going, he did not know where he was, and he did it all at taxpayers expense."

   [at restaurant] Wife: I'm having an affair. Husband: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well.

   Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.

   : A cat never cries over spilled milk.

   Carnival Cruise Lines just announced tomorrows ship departure has been moved to Gate 6A at Houston Intercontinental Airport...