Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.

   We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.

   I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . .

   I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   If you think this message is a display of stupidity, just wait until you read the one below this...

   Christopher Columbus was the first socialist. "He did not know where he was going, he did not know where he was, and he did it all at taxpayers expense."

   [at restaurant] Wife: I'm having an affair. Husband: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well.

   Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.

   : A cat never cries over spilled milk.

   Carnival Cruise Lines just announced tomorrows ship departure has been moved to Gate 6A at Houston Intercontinental Airport...

   There are four boxes to use in the defense of Liberty: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order.

   Other than insecurity, hatred & racism, sexism & discrimination, greed, infidelity and sheer stupidity most of the human race is pretty much perfect...

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   Fat Girls out Here With Crop Tops Looking like Winnie the Pooh 🤣

   I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in

   I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.

   Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.