Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the doc said my prostate was healthy this morning, I was deeply touched.

   was playing air drums to Rush in my car and lost a stick out the window. I had to change over to Def Leppard.

   I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   This Pokémon stuff is getting way too serious. My doctor was giving me a colonoscopy yesterday and found a Pikachu.

   2016 Presidential election. ISIS is claiming responsibility for this act of terror.

   Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.

   Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.

   This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.

   Has anyone tried the new Trump APP its like Pokemon but instead your looking for Mexican's..

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over

   No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.

   A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.

   Gee-Whiz ... I have heard worse words coming out the mouths of Rappers that party at the Whitehouse.

   DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.

   I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.

   Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

   The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.