Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.

   Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

   Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

   Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.

   Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.

   This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.

   Has anyone tried the new Trump APP its like Pokemon but instead your looking for Mexican's..

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over

   No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.

   A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.

   Gee-Whiz ... I have heard worse words coming out the mouths of Rappers that party at the Whitehouse.

   DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.

   From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

   The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"

   I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse

   You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

   Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.

   Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.