Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Baby it's Covid outside.

   The least knobby dot, the least knobby dot, the least knobby dot for annual quantum police thee dot… or whatever that Spanish Christmas song is saying.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

   Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.

   Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

   Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.