Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks

   It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes!

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   The older I get, the more sense it makes to have a TV in the bathroom.

   People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't

   Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female.

   HA ... According to the Democr@ts and the DNC those so called "Russian Hackers" were much better than we thought!! Apparently they were actually able to hack Hillary's emails from the NSA, Put them on Huma's laptop and then pin it on Mr. Weiner.

   " I have known @nthony Weiner for a long long time and consider him a very good friend, His sudden impending suspicious suicide will take a serious toll on all of us." ----- Hillary Clinton

   I watched Bugs, Popeye, and the Roadrunner every day when growing up. This nation is the beacon for the world. Kids today watch cartoons with 0 violence and need safe zone. I fear the future.

   'Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.

   It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   I'm glad to see most of you are not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?

   I don’t mean to brag,. But I closed down a few bars back in the day without the Governors approval,.

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   My biggest fear is getting a murder hornet stuck in my facemask as I shovel snow Saturday morning in May.