Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.

   There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.

   Having a terrible night with my date and her husband

   Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.

   Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   Lazy rule #1: Can't reach it. Don't need it.

   Remember that one time when Kanye West made a song dissing gold diggers? Then turned around and married the biggest gold digger in the country?

   My credit score has a McDonald's application stapled to it.

   .... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances?

   For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."

   I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks

   It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes!

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!