Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.

   Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

   If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere

   Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.

   If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.