Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My biggest fear used to be getting sick and dying, now it's of me dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

   I wish I was you so I could hang around with me

   You're not “alternative” by choice; you were rejected by the mainstream.

   When the Spice Girls chose their "Spicy" alter-ego nicknames, the girl with the biggest boobs should have chosen to go by Spice Rack.

   Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.

   drinking. I have my cellphone on me and it has facebook on it. I appoligize in advance and will delete my wall posts as soon as I wake up.

   My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

   I only talk sh*t when I'm strategically located near bouncers.

   Apparently the forklifts at home depot are "not meant for racing and for employee use only."They should really get a sign..

   Living the dream........if the dream was about doing laundry.

   Getting older means I no longer have the energy to do many of the things I enjoy in life, for example being awake.

   If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

   Today my friend told me that she's "addicted" to running. The only way I'm becoming "addicted" to running is if I'm also "addicted" to being chased by wild animals or the cops.

   ™ is a registered trademark. All unauthorized reproduction and distribution will lead to prosecution.

   Ladies, it's not a birth month or even a birth week. It's a birthday. You get to celebrate one f'n day, ok?

   The only way the Democrats would do away with Obamacare would be if it required a photo ID to get it.

   Here's a thought. The next time a criminal is told to stop by the police, he should take a knee instead of trying to run away.

   The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas

   If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.