Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man tells his wife "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The wife responded "Great!.... I'll miss you."

   telling your girlfriend you have the herp is not a good april fools joke. Now I'm single

   if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!

   I wish cleaning the house was as easy as cleaning out my email.

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." ~ Nathan Hale

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   Ladies, when a man tells you that you're one in a million, don't get too flattered. That means there is about 6,500 more of you on Earth.

   got kicked out of a shop.....it said "wet floor"on the sign...so I did....

   i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand

   I need a girlfriend, I am exhausterbated.

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   fed up with all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my penis, particularly since I'm a woman...so I've forwarded them to my ex.

   Shaquille O' Neal in green? Anyone else thinking Shrek?

   Nothing will get a skinny white girl on the dancefloor quicker than "Baby Got Back."

   Facebook is the ultimate weapon of couples' distraction and relationships' destruction