Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   I need to stop lying to my therapist. I also just need to stop lying. I don't have a therapist.

   I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up.

   It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.

   I would say that if my coworkers were picking on me they're leaving someone else alone, but these guys are multi-taskers.

   Who needs the NFL Ticket when you have Facebook?

   I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.

   To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

   Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

   I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

   yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day