Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if anybody ever won the lottery playing the lucky numbers in fortune cookies

   Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a schizophrenic from behind a mirror.

   not saying that "The Who" are old, but half of the people watching the superbowl last night were wondering "Who are those guys playing the CSI theme song?"

   thinks that marriage should be like football; you must show up fully committed and prepared and score every opportunity you get!

   From now on I will be doing my laundry while nude. This way when I'm done, I will truly be finished washing all of my clothes.

   I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul

   Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

   it's only nagging if you don't do it the first time I ask!

   I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

   Justin Bieber: What song should I cover? Random Girl: If I were a boy.

   I Got Married For Better or For Worse................She couldn't do better and I couldn't do any worse

   I listened patiently for you to make a noise but you never did. Reluctantly I had to admit you were right, it was a bottomless pit.

   you're all invited to my bachelor party! Granted, I'm not even getting married. But thats not a reason to not have a night out with my buddies with beer and strippers!

   I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

   My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.

   People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   You always feel a sense of accomplishment when you finally get that food stuck between your teeth with your tongue....So get ready for Thanksgiving.

   can't decide which one goes better with cranberry sauce...Grey Goose or Wild Turkey?

   about to do something awesome, again, but she told herself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."