Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

   Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.

   Did you hear about the boat that sunk on the 5th of May that had all that mayonnaise on it? It was called, Sinko the Mayo.

   The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   Thank you to all the Veterans enjoy this day of honor.

   How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...