Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m really liking this social distancing rule. Can we make this law?

   If there’s one thing this lockdown has taught me; it’s that your first breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

   Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   Did you hear about the boat that sunk on the 5th of May that had all that mayonnaise on it? It was called, Sinko the Mayo.

   The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.