Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.

   I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays'bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally

   In my day, a hashtag was called a pound sign. And before that, we played Tic-Tac-Toe on that $hit.

   Kim Kardashian has already taught her daughter everything she knows.

   Helping someone set up a Facebook account is kind of like watching someone try meth for the 1st time.

   Stuck between Yeah! I have a job and Crap I have to go to work!

   If you never seen it with your own eyes, or heard it with your own ears. Don't think it in your tiny brain, and spread it with your big mouth.

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   Lonliness and alcohol are good friends, but on Valentine's day, they are best friends.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   Ahh, the gift card. The polite way to say here's $20, go get your own damn gift.

   if you break a sweat walking to the buffet, maybe you don't need another plate...

   heard OPEC is changing its name to 'bend over, America'...

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.

   I will never eat a foot long corn dog at the nude beach ever again

   Look at it this way; if the world's meant to end in 2012, at least you won't have to pay $10/gal for gas

   Oops....Apparently throwing fireworks at people in McDonald's parking lot & yelling Happy Cinco De Mayo is frowned upon : (

   FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.

   I wonder where Harold Camping is hiding these days? Is he counting the millions of $$$ he scammed from his followers? He's a disgrace to the human race.

   The fake laugh you do when you don't understand what somebody just said to you. You're like :D but deep inside you're like o_O