Snotty Funny Status Messages

   A group of lions is called a pride. A group of turtles is called a bale. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   "What I want is to do is combine the laziness of cooking at home with the high price of eating out!" - The inventor of the Wedge Salad

   Aaron Hernandez,, I have some legal advice for you,,, Never trust a lawyer who wears pigtails, sucks on a lollipop and blows you kisses when you ask him a complex legal question.

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   Men are from Mars,, Women are from Venus,, Then gays are definely from ???

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   My mom talks into her cell phone like she just hit the cap lock key on her voice

   FYI: Captain Hook ran his entire pirating operation singlehandedly.

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'

   I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.

   Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

   If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.

   With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...

   Blind people would be a lot more exciting if they carried around swords.

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working