Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I know what you did this upcoming summer...................................... *NSA

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   Oh GOODIE,,,, Please post some more pics of your dog...and your food. Oh, why stop there? Post some pics of your dogs food.

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   IKEA is Swedish for "If you tell me it's not level again, I'm going to smash your head with this hammer,,,, Well then, JUST DIVORCE ME SUSAN"

   I lost my virginity when I was 9 while attempting an over-ambitious Pogo Stick trick.

   My signature move is to slightly caress my wife for 4 months until one day she sighs deeply then seductively calls out "fine, just hurry up"

   Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him... So cute!

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   People! Relax! Subway foot longs ARE foot longs. You just have to measure from the balls.

   I'm just chilling tonight with my new plane............. Oops, I've said too much.

   Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?

   "911, what's your emergency?"... "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."... "That's really funny."... "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.

   So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

   O.J Simpson has vowed to never stop searching for Malaysian Flight 370.

   I bet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs has a crapload of W2s

   Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.