Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   could tell his parents hated him... his bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   Don't act sexist! B$tches hate that!

   stole this status from a homeless guy, why he had a status that says this, I'll never know!

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter!

   some people leave the "smart" out of smartass!

   Karma is my religon and Earl Hickey is my god =D

   Your're born, you live, you die, figure out whatever the hell you want to do in between...

   I want to work at a day spa, I bet I could give a hell of a facial!

   Messin with Sasquatch

   THANK GOD THEY FOUND BALLOON BOY! THOUGHT MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ORDERING TAKE OUT FROM HEAVEN.

   god is a myth created by those who need someone to blame

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   happy that the "balloon boy" is safe...for a minute there I thought maybe Michael Jackson ordered carry-out from heaven!

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect -and I don't live to be- but before you start pointing fingers...make sure you hands are clean!

   When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear

   When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

   sick of people saying "im so sick I feel like ive been hit by a truck" well, I have a truck if they really want to know the feeling! :)

   wondering why there are Interstate highways in Hawaii?

   wonders if the local Palm Reader that went out of business saw it coming?

   Sometimes you have to be completely torn down before you can be rebuilt.