Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   .not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every retard can read, but look at you go!

   writing a book. I've got all the pages numbered. Another productive Saturday night!

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto " ;D

   Does Red or White Wine go better with Swedish Fish?

   America is full...GO HOME!

   currently experiencing technical difficulties. Giving a sh*t will resume at a later time. Thank you.

   thinkin' about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to party.

   I'm glad the tsunami wasn't bad in Hawaii. Especially the island I am from...K'monIwannalayya

   I bet curling atheletes have dirty houses. When they get home,they must think "Screw this. I do enough sweeping at work!"

   The Olympics dont matter no one will talk About It After a week

   now officaly talking to Himself but somehow I hear a busy signal in my ears. I wonder if I can get Call Waiting????? Wait.... maybe it's better I don't answer myself...

   Today's Quote "Not every flower can say love, but a rose does. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus does. Not every retard can read... but look at you go!

   The secrets of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy, and exercise or simply lie like hell about your age.

   if you dont think everyday is a good day, just try missing one!

   i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers I use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today

   I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu.

   Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain

   what's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? The killer whale eating your trainer!!!

   It's terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service