Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room ful of rocking chairs.

   "the always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver?" Bob Costas, you have crossed the threshold of being completely insufferable.

   glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.

   A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

   Sorry I burst into uncontrollable laughter at something you didn't remotely intend to be funny

   It takes 37 muscles to frown, 17 to smile...but only 3 to pull a trigger

   a snail without a shell naked or homeless?

   .2 muffins were in a hot oven, 1 said 2 the other, "its getting hot in here" and the other one shouted, "AHH! a talking muffin!"

   ...unreal gold medal hockey game...and a record breaking 14 Olympic golds....Canada is amazing..if we didn't have Nickelback we would be the best country in the world.

   says: "some girls are made of sugar and spice. MY GIRLS ARE MADE OF VODKA AND ICE!!"

   Once in a while, engage in random acts of kindness. It scares the hell out of your enemies!

   The WIFE and her husband's CREDIT CARD....The True Marriage.

   I saw a dog walking his blonde earlier today.

   Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...beauty!

   saw a pirate movie the other day... It was rated ARRRRRRRRR!

   wonders if suacide bombers text. "BRB ... J/K! I won't BRB." Or, "TTFN SYIHW72V" = ta ta for now, see you in heaven with 72 virgins.

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   can't go to a nudist wedding, Women might mistake me for the Bestman."

   Love is photogenic...it needs darkness to develop."

   reuse, recycle, regift.