Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will be forever indebted to the person who creates a vaccine for stupidity.

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   today will mostly be dry with a few wet patches but enough about my trousers

   FASTEST means of Communication : 1) Phone 2) TV 3) Internet 4) Tell A Woman (For even FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE)

   why can't Twitter just die already?

   When people nickname their child "Boo Boo" is that their way of saying their child was an accident?

   thinks that marriage should be like football; you must show up fully committed and prepared and score every opportunity you get!

   can't help but giggle every time the SlapChop guy says " You're going to LOVE my nuts"

   says - just when you think all your ducks are in a row, someone comes along and shoots one of them

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because those that can run,jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

   look down, back up, where are you. You're on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand, back at me, I have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love, look again, the tickets are now diamonds

   . Life is like a can of beans. It lets out a toot every so often and is worth a good laugh!

   wonders who will be watching Kate Gosselin's litter of mutts while she's practicing for Dancing With The Stars.

   was driving down the highway today and tried to identify what kind of car was coming up behind me. Then it hit me! Duh... a Toyota.

   Don't mess with turtles...because sometimes, if you're Italian, they'll throw hammers at you

   In regards to Tiger Woods press conference a few days a go, I'm staying tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.

   I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."

   The problem with your face is that it looks like you.