Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

   in a relationship with Bud Light and her liver is in a relationship with Jager Bomb, which gets complicated when we all hang out together!

   an aphrodisiac!

   would like to say on this last day of Winter. Winter, Kiss my Mother F*#$ing A$$ and DON'T HURRY BACK!!!

   Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.

   just pressed the REFRESH Button of her life, and Wowww it feels great :D

   why is it that things that dont interest you suddenly seem exciting when you have serious work to do?

   waiting for an orgy on monday.....when everyone will get screwed as soon as the results are declared...

   To Sandra Bullock.. Dear "Miss Congeniality", I suggest you come up with a "Proposal" to figure out a good "Time to kill" Jesse James so you won't be "Blindsided" again....

   nothing worse than whacking the door frame with morning wood

   Dont say i'm a "law abiding citizen" to the deputy who pulled you over with katt williams

   There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends.. Good job.. Good food.. Good sleep..&"GOOD _UCK" whatever you are thinking. That's right! :D

   Nothing good can come from marrying a guy named Jesse James.

   thinks the only reason the Easter bunny hides his eggs is cause he doesn't want anyone to know he screwed a chicken.

   it's not me or my actions that bug you, it's that you let them bug you.

   NCAA March Madness Bracket TIME OF DEATH: 11:33pm, 03-18-10

   I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

   does not think of himself as fat, he thinks of himself as being famine and drought resistant.

   when you think your life sucks, just remember that somewhere in the world is one poor b*stard named Mr. Pelosi....

   considering starting a Hooters for us girls. It will be called C*cks, feature a rooster instead of an owl, and only hire gorgeous, well-hung boy toys.