mickey Funny Status Messages
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I ordered 2 pizzas from Dominoes. The order taker was not amused when I asked her for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Total.
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07-15-2016 09:59 by Mickey
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A Rabbi asked me why we Catholics believe in Purgatory when there's no actual mention of it in the Bible. I told him it's the food. They serve both Angel Hair Pasta AND Devil's Food Chocolate Cake.
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06-09-2016 11:19 by Mickey
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My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni.
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05-31-2016 12:41 by Mickey
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If I become President, I'm going to change the name of the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains since weed is legal over there.
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01-29-2016 09:18 by Mickey
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The thing that disturbs me the most about social media,is when I see a woman from the high school days who didn't age very well, and I think to myself, "Man, I can't believe I zherked off to that."
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12-17-2015 15:24 by Mickey
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Gray Matter Matters
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11-25-2015 13:46 by Mickey
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Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.
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11-23-2015 15:19 by Mickey
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Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.
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11-17-2015 12:47 by Mickey
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Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.
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05-11-2014 09:50 by Mickey
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I had lunch today with a woman. Okay, so the woman was on a TV show eating at the same time I was. Okay, so the woman was Berta from Two and a Half Men.
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04-19-2014 16:31 by Mickey
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Auto correct did me in. I've been seeing a girl who perspires a little when we have s-e-x. Hot. I typed, "Hi, sweety", and it changed it ti, "Hi, sweaty." Now she won't take my calls.
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02-12-2014 10:52 by Mickey
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I never understand when people say that the Mona Lisa was Leonardo da Vinci's best work. He was pretty damned good in the Titanic if you ask me.
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02-11-2014 09:09 by Mickey
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My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
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02-04-2014 05:28 by Mickey
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I'm taking my girl to a Psychologist/Gynecologist. Maybe he's the one who can finally help her understand why she's such a ¢unt.
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01-09-2014 05:58 by Mickey
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Polar Vortex...nice term for cold air from Canada, media.... just watch,this summer, when the temps go into the 90's, they'll refer to a heat wave as a "Solar Vortex".
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01-08-2014 07:22 by Mickey
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I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.
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01-06-2014 07:10 by Mickey
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Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"
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01-03-2014 15:11 by Mickey
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I don't know how I didn't get pulled over by the cops last night. I was definitely driving under the influence of a good bl0wj0b.
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01-01-2014 10:36 by Mickey
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I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.
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01-01-2014 08:31 by Mickey
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I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.
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07-08-2013 10:00 by Mickey
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