Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was awoken with oral seggs this morning. Never falling asleep with my mouth open on the train again.

   What has 362 times more germs than a toilet seat? My lucky condom.

   Oh, there's no plates like foam for the Holidays.

   I have decided to cancel my One Man Magical Band © performance at The Kennedy Center due to the adding of Donald Trump’s name to the performing arts institution. There will be no refunds.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us men sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   If Santa keeps a record of naughty/nice all year is this week undocumented?

   If I have learned anything from this year, it is to never, ever say, "Well, at least it couldn't get any worse".

   It's wild that Santa can go into people's homes and eat their cookies. But when I do it, I have "issues" and need "help".

   Anyone know how long you could store an unopened loafs of fruit cakes for? Just planning on next year‘s Christmas gifts.

   There is no bigger day for microwaves than December 26th. This is their Olympics.

   Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

   I've just been to a safety meeting at work. They asked me "What steps would you take in the event of a fire"? "Really big ones!" was apparently the wrong answer.

   Just farted at work and maintenance was called to my area to look for a sewer leak.

   Not today Satan !! ... Wait.......what kind of cookies did you say?

   So ripping off taxpayers of billions is ok, but Menards rebate is bad?

   Santa, no matter what my wife says, I have been very good this year.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."

   Fact of life: The older you get, the more risky a sneeze becomes.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   Everyone keeps saying John Cena tapped out. How do they know? You can’t see him!