Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Roses are red... Violets are Blue .... Vodka costs less than dinner for two

   Most girls will spend Valentine's day alone because their boyfriends will be with their wives

   KellyAnne Conway looks tired and flustered every day!

   So the state trooper said "I've been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn't you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

   If you're single, happy go f#ck yourself today. . .

   Dateline's Keith Morrison can now be your GPS voice, which is awesome unless you put in a middle school in your GPS device...then instantly become a part of to Catch a Preditor.

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day #NotMyValentinesDay

   I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....

   Happy VD to all you young lovers out there,,,!!!💜

   irony...Valentine's Day is abbreviated as "VD"

   pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks

   Valentine's Day was started accidentally when an irresponsible man gave a bow and arrow to a cherub-faced Baby and he shot the man's lover in the heart ... true story.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...

   I've decided on my Valentine's Day date...Its going to be whoever sits down next to me at Fricker's. Fingers crossed that its a girl this year!

   Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine's day. Just an FYI.

   The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!