Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks... Cost me an arm and a leg!

   It's amazing what that one degree can do in your home temp wise, up or down.

   Of course, I could kill you with kindness. But honestly, crushing your ego with sarcasm is just more my style.

   Have you ever used the bathroom and pushed so hard you reset your back.

   Well behaved men rarely make history.

   Boss: Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.40. When do you want to start? Me: In 6 months.

   I really hope my life doesn't flash before my eyes when I pass away. There are some things I'd rather not see again.

   I'm basically Superman except he has super vision and I require it

   I need to get back in shape but I'm kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort in.

   I've heard of people being "generation x" or " generation z"..... if I had to label my family, we would be "generation AA" we go to meetings about it