Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   "911, what's your emergency?"... "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."... "That's really funny."... "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."

   Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?

   I'm just chilling tonight with my new plane............. Oops, I've said too much.

   People! Relax! Subway foot longs ARE foot longs. You just have to measure from the balls.

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him... So cute!

   My signature move is to slightly caress my wife for 4 months until one day she sighs deeply then seductively calls out "fine, just hurry up"

   I lost my virginity when I was 9 while attempting an over-ambitious Pogo Stick trick.

   IKEA is Swedish for "If you tell me it's not level again, I'm going to smash your head with this hammer,,,, Well then, JUST DIVORCE ME SUSAN"

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   Oh GOODIE,,,, Please post some more pics of your dog...and your food. Oh, why stop there? Post some pics of your dogs food.

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had

   I know what you did this upcoming summer...................................... *NSA

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?

   Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting,,, Was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

   Excuse me, Pink Floyd... It's "We don't need ANY education."

   THAT'S IT,,, I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN......................... * My Tombstone

   Apparently when you walk in and your boss is listening to" Sister Christian ".... You AREN'T supposed to ask if it's couples skate only