Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when a TV chef says you can easily make this from stuff in your pantry. I'm still waiting for them to show me how to make something out of ramen noodles, potato chips, and a half eaten bag of Oreos.

   So, Howard Stern, Steven Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel walk into a bar together.

   People complain about gas prices but pay for gym memberships and don’t even go.

   Hey did you guys catch Jimmy Kimmel lastnight? Me either

   When I was younger, 'potluck' meant you were able to score weed in less than 3 days.

   Feeling like I have been eaten by a coyote and pooped off a cliff

   Tip: If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was in the movies, don’t google ‘old man bond age’ (trust me).

   Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle- age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   Now that I've gotten older, I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   Stop dating men who look like they'd steal the copper out of your IUD.

   Someone accused me of cheating at board games. I pretty sure they were just jealous I could win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.